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September 8, 2005

Porn Star Naming Conventions

There's a moment in Paul Thomas Anderson's Boogie Nights when Eddie Adams, on the verge of becoming porn's next big thing, decides to pick a stage name. He comes up with the unforgettable Dirk Diggler, a name he imagines in "bright blue neon lights with a purple outline." A porn star is born.

The scene points to an important moment in any future porn star's career. A memorable name like Bella Donna, Jon Dough, Christy Canyon, Allysin Chaynes, porn king John Holmes's alter-ego Johnny Wadd, Jewel De Nyle or Seymore Butts can mean the difference between steady work or a very short career in the skin biz - no matter how good-looking or well-endowed you are.

Probing the annals of porn history, we find that noms de plume typically fall into a few tried and true categories. There's the cleverly memorable name, like Flick Shagwell, Heaven Lee, Cinnabunz, Tommy Gunn or the aforementioned Allysin Chaynes. Taking a page out of Bono's book, there's the evocative one-word name: Aria, Serenity, Missy, Envy, Topaz, Sierra. And just as the titles of porn movies have long parodied Hollywood product - Edward Penishands, The Good, the Bad and the Horny, Pulp Friction, Intercourse with the Vampire - there's been a recent rash of porn stars copping their mainstream counterparts' names: Dru Berrymore, Tyra Banxxx, Cindy Crawford and The Rock. And let's not forget Jonni Darko.

With the number of porn performers at an all-time high, you'd think that all the good stage names have been taken. I took up the challenge, though, and I'm pleased to tell you there are plenty more still floating in the ether. A few that I came up with: Dee Cupps, Moe Whimans, Eve Adams, Connie Lingus, and the main character from my porn screenplay "The Fornicating Professor," Dr. Beatrix Turner-Forneau. I want to hear yours too, so email me at paganjoke@yahoo.com.

When Juliet asks, "What's in a name? that which we call a rose/By any other name would smell as sweet," Shakespeare clearly didn't have porn in mind. For a long career of shagging on-screen, what's in a name can be the key ingredient. -- by Re Pete